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| Wow, this is going to be epic. Will you let me spill my thoughts on the page until I've soaked them dry? Good. Now let me just tell you a little bit about myself.
Okay well I'm just going to say right now:
You have absolutely made my night/week/break by telling me this. I have been an absolute nervous wreck all day long and even for the last two days (not a nervous wreck as far as my family can tell, but inside my own head. geez, what the heck are you doing to me?? no one has ever had this effect on me!). One reason that this is such a relief for me is that you are repeating some of my very own thoughts right back to me: I so badly want to be best friends (in the world!) with you before we jump into anything big. I'm not comfortable with you yet, but that's okay.
And I'm with you in that I've had a VERY tough year. But it's much different than the kind of tough that you are talking about. I'm sure that you have gotten the idea from what I've told you, but I have absolutely killed myself in my work, in my studies, and in my responsibilities this year, for the last six months. Because of this, I have completely thrown my social life away, and to be honest, you have been the first to enter it. Now this is not only because of the choices I made, but it was multiplied by certain things that have happened over the course of the last year or two. As a little background, over the last two years, I had been spending less and less time with my best friends from church (you know, the ones that you've heard me talk a little bit about) and more and more time with my best friend from school. I hadn't completely abandoned my church friends, but with the physical distance between us, I was over at his house and vice versa basically every single night that I didn't have to wake up early the next morning. And I'm talking LITERALLY every Friday night, sometimes even Saturdays, and any breaks from school we had. But soon after, he had to leave and only came home on the weekends or sometimes not at all. It wasn't a big deal because we still hung out whenever he was home and had a great time. The problem came when he got a girlfriend. And a scary one, too. I will summarize an entire year of my life in a single sentence: he slowly began blowing me off for his girlfriend and school more and more until he was not even an acquaintance. Keep in mind that because of how much time we spent together, this was pretty much my only good friend (and by good friend I mean someone I can easily call up and say, hey let's do something tonight)I had at this point. The summer came, I got a job, I signed up for a ridiculous amount of AP classes, and before long, my social life was out the window. Since I had to spend so much time with my schoolwork, I stopped going to my church during the week, and I never saw any of my friends. As the semester came to an end, I gave myself a new high-priority goal: to stop killing myself, enjoy my life, and get my social life back.
Now don't get me wrong, I have absolutely loved this year, and I'm so proud of everything I've done. I wouldn't change it for a second. I have pushed myself harder than I ever have in my entire life, accomplished more goals, and had such a great time doing everything and learning so much. It has given me so much confidence for my future. But it has come at a cost. I have been scouring everywhere trying to find my special someone. And you know what? I haven't even found a SINGLE person that has been worth ANY of my time. And I'm not talking about the last six months, but rather, the last 2 years. Until now. Friend, I don't know you very well at all, but in the time we have spent together over the last few weeks, I have had SO MUCH fun! One thing I love about you is how we can just chill, and it doesn't even matter if we have something specific to do or not.
It makes me sad that you have gotten hurt, and I have been in the same boat. Trust me. I won't doubt anything you say about being confusing on account of every single girl on this earth is infinitely confusing. I don't want to worry about that too much right now though because I would rather just worry about getting to know you.
It worries me what you say about partying because you know just as well as I do that it's not going to get you anywhere or do you any good. I'm not going to try and change who you are, but I want to be as much as a positive influence on you as I can. So many of those parties where kids our age drink alcohol and do stupid things screw them over in the end and often ruin their lives in the long run. Everyone I've ever heard talk about things like that say that it never fills the hole inside them they're trying to fill and just messes them up. You've even seen an example of this in the last week with the friend that you were talking about that got in trouble. I know that you say that you don't drink when you go out, but people who play with fire always get burned. And I can vouch for that....my friends and I play with fire all the time. Now I'm not trying to lecture you or tell you that you're bad or anything. Nothing like that. I'm just telling you how I feel about what you brought up, and that's all.
I haven't heard anything negative about you from other people and if I had or if I do, I would always try my hardest to trust what you tell to me over anything someone else says. Rumors can permanently damage someone's self-confidence and hurt them in ways that will never go away, and I've felt this in certain ways before.
The only thing that makes me worry is that I am a very jealous person. That doesn't mix very well with a person that is as social as you. But it's something that I'm going to try and work on and be as understanding as I can, for your sake.
Friend, you're beautiful. You've heard this from so many guys (and I know it!), and I'm no different. BUT I do want to be different from the rest. I want to make you the happiest girl in the world, and I want you to forget everything that is behind you for a better future. I want to the the guy you trust for everything in the world and the guy that is so much more special to you than anybody else. But that is only what I'm looking forward to. Right now, I want to take this one day at a time, and live my life to the most that I can possibly make out of it. (But just let me say that right now I feel for me to make the most out of my day, that has to be a day that includes you! : ] )
You've changed my day from a sad Christmas day into a very happy one. Don't worry, it hasn't been sad overall, just sad in that I didn't think you were interested in me (more than just a little). Thank you for releasing all these emotions that were building up inside me. I thought I was going to go crazy. And you know what? On my way home today in the car, I made the conscious decision that I had given up on girls for now. I thought that you were going to move on and forget me, and I knew that I wasn't comfortable with you enough right now to tell you how I really felt, so I gave up. I decided to stay focused on my work, my family, and everything else that has made me happy in the last 6 months of my life. But then tonight, that changed.
More than anything, I want to do whatever is most comfortable for you.
I really hope this hasn't been too deep for you because these are thoughts that I really had to get out of my head, and these are things I really want you to know about me. I know it was heavy, but thank you for listening to me. I hope I haven't been too dramatic and I hope that I haven't rushed into making assumptions about us that I shouldn't make yet. I want to know exactly how you feel, and I hope this will be special to you. It is to me.
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| Russell,
Don't trust me.
You are a great guy. and I don't want to be the girl that screws you up. I want to be best friends with you before anything, and you have to understand that I have had a really, really tough year. The guy that I fell in love with? The one who promised to me for over a year that he would be there no matter if we stayed together or not told me how much he hated me and couldn't wait to graduate at the end of the year.
I am the most confusing girl you will ever meet. I don't expect anyone to understand me when I can barely understand myself.
I party. Maybe too much sometimes...but it's all I've known this entire year, and I wouldn't know how to stop completely even if I truly wanted to...I don't go out like I used to, but still...I like to go out and hang out with 5 people I know yet have 40 other people there that I don't know. Because more than likely i will never see them again...
I'm not concerned about what other people have to say about me: to my face or behind my back; I dont care. I'm used to it. It's nothing new. I wouldn't be surprised if you've already heard stuff, but you have to understand that a lot of it isn't true. I tried freshman year to fix it all and just made it worse...there's nothing I can do to control what people are going to say about me, so why should I bother? The way I see it, they must be super jealous for whatever reason to be talking about me so much, so high five for them...
I have so much fun with you...you make me laugh and I can see myself falling asleep in your arms...but I'm not rushing into anything...I want a boyfriend, yes...what girl doesn't? But I want to go out places before I get all into something you know?
Here's where I repeat stuff...
I am the most confusing person you will ever meet.
I LIKE to party...and if you want to hear about it then let me know...but if you dont want to hear about it then tell me, and I wont say anything...a lot of people haven't known about it until this year...like Cody and Stephen. Yeah they've been out of that loop for a whiiiile.
Don't have a sad Christmas...
That would absolutely ruin my amazing birthday.
I want you to be happy no matter what...
No one in this world deserves to be unhappy...ever.
So smile...please and let's have a heart to heart right now. You and me.
-Your friend
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| Dear friend,
I know absolutely no good way to explain how I feel right now. I literally feel like I'm about to explode. I have all these feelings that have been building up inside me over the last few weeks, but I've had no efficient method of releasing them. I'm sitting in my bed right now, but I know there is no chance of falling asleep. I tried calling you, but no answer. I'm sick of doubt ruling my thoughts, and my need to get rid of that doubt far exceeds any risk of failure for me right now. What I'm trying to say is what I really don't have the courage to tell you. I'm stupid so I honestly have no idea what you're going to say to this, but I really can't afford to hold it in any longer. I was in a serious relationship within the last few years and I really got hurt, so I'm so hesitant to take any risk in this area of my life. This includes wanting to tell you how I feel. One of my driving motivations though, is that in the last few years since then, you have honestly been the only person I've met that has sparked any interest to me. I hope you won't let me down, but even if you do, it was worth all the effort it took for a chance with you. Now please don't tell me what I don't want to hear. Now I can only pray that I will be able to fall asleep tonight.
Your friend,
Russell
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| Ah, but what the eye sees is oftentimes a mere fragment of the truth.
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| Dave, which bozo should I vote for in this election? Who’s
going to fix the economy? Who’s going to give me the most money?
"Well, I’m here to remind you that you’re going
to fix the economy because your personal economy is up to you. It's not
Washington's job to fix what's going on with you. If you are waiting on
Washington to change something, you've got a long wait!You’re going to give yourself money as a result of your
hard work and persistence. Waiting for money to be taken from others and given
to you is a spirit of envy, and it's wrong. I’m not here to tell you who to vote for. But I am here to
tell you that the government doesn’t have the capacity to fix your
problems. Washington is full of bozos, and I am doing my part to send a lot
of them home! This economic mess is a reality, but we can each only control one
thing—our reactions. Does this stuff define you? Only if you let it. The
weird thing about the economy is that YOU are the economy! I learned this the
hard way. I got my real estate license when I was 18 years old. By the time I was
21, interest rates had risen to 17% fixed-rate … and I still sold houses.
How? Because I worked hard.
Don't react based on fear or panic.
Don’t
look to Washington to fix your problems. Why would you do that? At what point
did Bill Clinton fix any of your problems? At what point did he cause
you to prosper? At what point did George Bush end your career or cause you to
prosper? When did Ronald Reagan fix your problems? Guess what? I liked Reagan
the most, and while he was in office, I hit rock bottom and filed
bankruptcy—but it wasn’t Reagan’s fault. It was mine. So when you go to the polls in a few days to cast your vote,
don’t get caught up in following a political party or candidate without
knowing the issues they support. Do your research so you can make educated
decisions." | | |
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